I'm sorry.

I wrote a blog about self-efficacy and never published it-because, ironically, I agreed with the content.
Here’s what I want to say to you today, and apologize for:
There are a thousand reasons not to do what I love, want, or dream to do.

As most of you know, I graduated a little early last December, and since then, I’ve been working and prepping until I start school again. When I was in undergrad, my sole focus was on the important things: staying sane and getting into my program.
I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve written and never sent to you, or how many blogs I’ve drafted and never published.

 

So here we are, full circle to my opening line: self-efficacy.

Here’s the progression:

• I’m too busy to type out this email/blog/fill-in-the-blank.

• If I type it out now and send it, people will know it’s outdated and no one will read it. (I’ll come back to this...because honestly, who cares who reads it?)

• It’s been too long since I emailed or posted, people will be annoyed.

• I don’t have time to write. (Keep in mind, this is the best hobby for my mental health.)

• I used to write all the time and then didn’t follow through...I never follow through with anything.
  (This isn’t true. I follow through with my top 3 priorities- and with 100% effort. But isn't that the kind of thing we tell ourselves?)

•  

So, as you can assume, that led me to stop.

The only problem is, I forgot a few things along the way:

1. My working genius is ideation. My working frustration is tenacity. I can do what I love (idea-ing) while working through what I struggle with (the typing, posting, etc.).

2. The results are not the goal in this scenario.

3. People don’t expect perfection from me the way I do. And if they do, they’re probably projecting their own stuff, because really, who’s judging a 22-year-old for getting too busy to send emails?

 

So, here I am: formally apologizing for not being on top of it.
It’s not a Wednesday in a café, but it is a Tuesday.
I’m drinking the best coffee I’ve ever made, and I’m in my favorite city in the world—so I’m starting again.

 

Oh, also, if you’re wondering where I went on social media: it tanked my mental health.
I’m working on finding the balance between posting for you and holding space for me. I’ll figure it out.

 

One more thing: if the emails don’t come consistently, have a little mercy on me.
I become an official student doctor in three weeks... and I’m planning a wedding ;)

 

But my goal is to bring you on the journey. It might be raw, boring, stressful, or make zero sense if you’re not in my program or on my planning committee, but it’s better than nothing, right?